Brr-iii-nng. In her tiny office in the town hall, OH picked up the phone, hoping it
was a tip on a hot dump and run case. Instead, Good Buddy's voice met her ear.
"I need you to come over right now", GB said.
"Are you calling about the dump and run case, Good Buddy?"
"No--"
"Because I'm working, you know"
"I know, but--" GB's voice broke off and OH was surprised to hear violent sniffling and nose blowing.
"Good Buddy, do you have a cold?"
"NO!" GB hollered, then added miserably, "Couldn't you just come over this once?"
OH's female intuition suddenly focused with searchlight precision.
"This is about Ed Nauseam, isn't it?" OH's suspicions were confirmed by the sounds of hysterical sobbing.
OH needed no further prompting. Although civic duty was her highest priority, she could not and would not ignore her duty to her friend. Dropping the phone OH hurtled through the office, out the door and into her waiting camel cart where she whipped Fergie up smartly. Because OH was a humane sort of person, she did not employ an actual whip to motivate her dromedary. Instead, she made whip sound effects.
"Crack! Crack goes the whip!" She hollered, shaking the reins. Fergie commenced a steady clip-clop.
OH found GB lying under a heap of blankets, holding her sock monkey slippers which, admittedly, wore comforting expressions on their footwear faces. Eventually, the story came out. Ed Nauseam, first citizen of Jerkopolis, had dumped Good Buddy.
Although OH sympathized greatly with her friend, she mused silently that it might be just as well. She had had misgivings about GB's beau from the beginning, which she now shared with her in an effort to minimize her loss.
A small business owner, Ed Nauseam sold bird and bat guano as an organic fertilizer. OH would have been supportive of this utilization of natural resources but for Ed Nauseam's suspicious dealings with an El Salvadorian rebel group, Los Hombres Mal (LHM). LHM's protests and resistance fighting made headlines as the rebels destroyed some of the country's most notable buildings. Authorities believed that the key to stopping LHM was cutting off their mysterious supply of explosives.
Although she had no definite proof, OH, as usual, had her suspicions. An examination of Ed's collection of commemorative shot glasses informed OH that he frequently travelled to El Salvador. She also knew that while munitions sales were closely scrutinized, agricultural salesmen had access to the entire country.
OH's biochemistry training had exposed her to the explosive potential of guano and she clearly recalled one occasion when Nauseam referred to it himself, as he proposed that the solution to illegal immigration that included using guano to blast a separation between the US and Mexico.
As Good Buddy slowly regained her faculties, she began a logical assessment of her recent tragedy.
"You know, I think he dumped me because of my voice" GB declared.
"Your...." OH experienced a loss for the correct word.
"My voice. When I asked him what he was looking for in a woman, he said he was attracted to particular voices, like Gloria Grahame's and Myrna Loy's."
"Hmm, that's odd", OH said, "They have very different voices. Gloria Grahame's voice is husky--"
" That's not the point--"
"That is exactly the point, Good Buddy. They have entirely different types of voices, so how do we know which one you should imitate? Gloria Grahame's would be the easiest. Of course you'd have to scream a lot to destroy your vocal chords. Maybe there's a spray that will make your throat hoarse or you could try to pick up the bacteria of the common cold...it's very, um, common..."
OH trailed off as she noticed GB looking like a pot that's about to boil over.
"You are NOT helping!" GB howled, well on her way to a hoarse voice. "My relationship is OVER and all you do is tell me how AWFUL Ed is and argue about Gloria-stinking-GRAHAME and, and--Oh!" She threw herself back on her bed and clasped the sock monkeys to her chest.
OH knew that she could do no more. She gently closed Good Buddy's door and left, feeling uncharacteristically sad and introspective. A question about the advisability of relationships that caused such trauma barely, briefly touched down on the surface of her brain before it was bounced to oblivion by the sudden arrival of a lighter vehicle.
"I know! We need a vacation!" OH was certain that new scenery and new experiences was the very thing to distract GB from her hardship.
As Fergie gallumphed homeward, OH softly hummed the tune of an old refrain:
Through tears and thorns we will endure
As we pass surely through every storm
A time for us, some day there'll be a new world
A world of shining hope for you and me
