Our Heroine sat dejectedly in the dentist's waiting area, trying not to think about the terrible ordeal ahead. One of her fillings needed replacement. She would have chosen quick, painless death over slow torture, but sadly, death had not been offered as an option. A dental technician popped her head around the door.
"OK, we're ready for you"
OH put the pencil she had been biting back on the reception desk and rose slowly.
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself", she muttered, repeating this mantra all the way to the dental chair.
"Hello, how are we doing today?" the dentist asked. He smelled of cigar smoke, which made OH even more nauseous than she usually was in a dental office.
OH tried to say, "We are not pleased", but her throat closed on the second word with a squeak. She glared defiantly at the dentist, but he was occupied with his instruments and did not appear to notice. OH thought that since the rude man had asked, he ought to hear her answer.
"Current mood: horrid", she said, but the dentist was already probing her mouth with something akin to a sharpened, vibrating baseball bat and her encumbered vocal organs merely gurgled like a broken water pump.
"I'm going to need you to keep your tongue out of the way, now, okaaaaaay?" and with that the dentist jammed a piece of cardboard the size of a pizza box between her tongue and the baseball bat instrument.
Forty minutes passed like forty years. OH swore to herself approximately 1200 times that she would never imbibe sugar again. An instrument named Mr. Sucky left less moisture in her mouth than could be found in the entire Sahara Desert. As the dentist raised her chair she made gasping noises and gestured frantically for water.
"That wasn't so bad now, was it?" he asked.
"My thung ith numb" OH replied.
"Oh, that will wear off".
OH waited a few seconds. "Ith thill numb".
"It may take up to five hours".
"What?! I haf thoo thay here that long?"
"No, you can leave".
"But I can't go back to work like thith", she said.
"Well, maybe you should take the rest of the day off", the dentist said, and got up to leave.
"Out of the quethion".
"Well I suppose I could do the rest now", he said.
"What retht?"
"The rest of your teeth, they all need to be pulled. Out they go". He sat down and picked up a wrench-looking instrument.
"HYUNDAI! Back, filthy nemethith dentitht!" OH screamed, propelling herself out of the chair and into the Chi Ching defensive position with one leg stretched behind her and both arms raised above her head.
"Alright, take it easy. I was just joking". OH relaxed her defensive pose somewhat, but kept the instrument tray between the dentist and herself. Insolence such as this deserved her most stinging scorn.
"You are a thmall man who drivth a thmall car and wearth a long thcarf", she yelled, "Furthermore, if I ever thee you throwing your thigar butth out the window, I will fine your panth off!" Her flight from the office resembled that of an escaping prisoner.
OH jumped in the camel cart and urged Fergie into a brisk trot. They were nearing her office (actually more of a janitor's closet in the town hall) when OH saw a terrible, shocking sight. The camel cart skidded to a halt as she pulled up the reins and gazed about her with dismay. Both sides of the road were strewn with what looked like the contents of several garbage bags. Newspapers, paper plates, fliers and other assorted junk stretched into the distance as far as the eye could see.
"Oooh, thith really burnth me up!" she said to the camel, and began collecting litter furiously. She soon noticed that the trash included many pieces of junk mail complete with names and addresses.
"Eathy ath thooting fith in a barrel", she cackled. All she had to do was fine the miscreants who the mail was addressed to and voila! her job would be done. By the time she had picked up the last piece of trash, the sun was beginning to set. Ever conscious of her and Fergie's safety, she did not drive the cart after dark except in extenuating circumstances. OH was about to switch on the cart's lights when a small convertible blew by at a breakneck speed, only inches from the camel cart.
"SHARE THE ROAD WITH DROMEDARIES!" OH screamed. A whiff of cigar smoke and the end of a long scarf trailed behind the speeding vehicle.
